fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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