My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
