Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
