Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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