Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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