Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
