This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
