Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
