You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
