he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
