I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
