I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
