Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
