Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You left your phone here
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