They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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