I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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