I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
