Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
