shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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