So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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