There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
