i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
