Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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