so explain again why im purple
no
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
