So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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