Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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