I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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