Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
