i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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