My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
