got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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