I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
