I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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