Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
