You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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