When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
