just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
