it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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