Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
