better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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