I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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