Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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