Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
