someone get that fucking seahorse.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
