I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
