You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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