my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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