i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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