I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
