Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
