i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
